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Sunday, April 5, 2015

2 years and counting

Are you allowed to start blogging again after a 2 year absence? How do I even try to fill in the gap of my life during that time?

There have been times when I have wanted to get on here and write, it's so cathartic for me.  I usually have something I want to share, and by the end of the post I feel as if someone else has taken over.

We have had some major things happen over the last month specifically that compels me to write.  Death mostly, but then realizing that so many of the friends I have made in the last 2 years don't even know who Caleb is.  This little boy who changed me forever.  My only son whom I so badly wish I could hold and kiss again.

My life is so drastically different than it was 2 years ago.  I started a business that has absolutely taken off and is blessing us in more ways that I thought possible.  I am homeschooling Allison for the second year and it's going wonderful. Jordyn is still making us laugh daily and is turning into a spunky little kid. Jason and I are learning how to stay close to each other in not only the bad times, but also the good.

2 family friends have said goodbye to their sons in the last month.  2 Boys that meant a lot to us actually.  It's been hard on us as in some ways we experience the loss of Caleb again.  Mostly just hurting for their families as they begin this journey that no family should have to walk.

In the next month we will be moving the girls into Caleb's bedroom because it's the largest one.  We will be painting over the brick and dalmation spots that I worked so hard on to create his "fire truck room." Most of the furniture has already been changed as we have been using it for a homeschool/guest room.  However, painting the walls is something we haven't wanted to do.  But here we are.  Most of his things are in the closet, we will have to go through what's left and put it in bins.  We are going to get rid of his fire truck bed that up until now Jordyn has been sleeping in.  We gave away his train table at Christmas to a family friend, and have been letting things go little by little.  But the room change, it is a big deal, and has such finality.  There won't be "Caleb's room" any more.  His things will be tucked away in boxes labeled, "Caleb."

Memories have been the only thing we have had for over 2 1/2 years now, and some days even those feel so far gone.  Trying to explain to a 3 1/2 year old how she had a brother who she looks just like.  Trying to comprehend how we are coming up on his 5th birthday.  Trying to wrap our brain around the fact that he has now been gone longer than he was here.

I'm not sure I had a complete thought or plan when I sat down to write this evening.  I have no idea how to end this little "catch up session." I still miss my son, terribly.  I'm so grateful for the things that I do have, and for a savior who loves me more than I deserve.

Love,
Jessica

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