Then last week we were just getting back into the swing of things, and I caught up on my sleep by taking naps when the kids did. It was fabulous! So with a busy two weekends ahead of us I thought I'd better write while I can otherwise it will be another two weeks before I do! So here goes.....
When I was pregnant with Caleb I started bleeding at 6 weeks. I did not have any bleeding with Allison so it freaked me out to say the least. We weren't sure what to do, so we called our midwife. We tried to get in to the office with the Dr. that delivered Allison so he could do a sonogram but he was in surgery all day. The last thing I wanted was to go to the ER but that's what we ended up doing. We knew we couldn't stop a miscarriage but wanted to make sure I was ok as well. After many long hours and a sonogram that lasted WAY too long, and then a few more hours of waiting we finally received word that the baby was ok and I had a sub-chorionic hemorrhage. They said there was a 75% chance everything would be fine. So the bleeding stopped and I didn't have any more bleeding the rest of the pregnancy and Caleb was born a year ago next week!
So, this pregnancy was going smoothly and all of a sudden in my 11th week I had a rush of fluids and I went to the bathroom and sure enough it was blood. I had quite a bit more blood at this point and got quite scared. I didn't have any cramping at this point but bleeding is not normal, right??!! So I called Jason and called my midwife and immediately started to worry and pray. I knew it was too late in the pregnancy to be what I had last time, but I was almost at the "magical" 12 week mark where everything was supposed to be ok. We had told family and friends, and even facebook for goodness sake!
I dropped the kids off at my parents and Jason and I drove out to see our midwife to listen for a heartbeat. We got there and discussed options, and decided to start with a heartbeat and go from there. We had heard a heartbeat at my appointment a few weeks before so we knew there should be one. After a few seconds we heard it! Loud and clear, and even a little kick from the baby! A few tears slid down my cheek and hope rose again inside me.
So we talked about options, I had bled quite a bit, much much more than last time. Even though we heard the heartbeat there was no guarantees that everything would be ok. We just knew that right that second the baby was still alive. There is an ultrasound place that we could go do (with considerable expense) but even then they can't always tell you why you are bleeding or if the baby will be ok.
We decided to wait and see what happened. If I continued to bleed then we would probably schedule an ultrasound and if the bleeding kept up as heavy as it had been then the midwife wanted me to go to the ER. The bleeding did slow down, but it also continued. It did darken which was a good sign, "old blood" is better than "new blood." So the midwife left the decision up to us whether we wanted to have a sonogram done or just wait. I went back and forth so many times that weekend. And God was there through it all.
The day after I started bleeding I went in to get Caleb dressed for the day. I had made him a onesie that said "I'm the big brother" and taken pictures and posted them on facebook for all my friends and family to see. As I was looking through his clothes that morning I heard God tell me to put that on him today. He was telling me that Caleb would in fact be a big brother. I fought it a little, I didn't want to get my hopes up. I mean what if I was wrong, then I would feel dumb for putting him in the outfit. But God was clear and so I obeyed. He wore the onesie that day and I held on to that word for the next few weeks as my situation didn't change.
At one point I decided I wanted a sonogram. Even if it couldn't give me any answers I would feel better, right? But I had no symptoms that anything else was wrong, I wasn't having any contractions or cramping, no clotting, so the midwife said that if it was just "old blood" then we could just wait. Well as I was getting ready for bed that night I felt like God was telling me that I should just trust him and we didn't need to spend the money we didn't have on a sonogram. TRUST.
"UUUGGGGHHH!! What God, am I going to have to trust you for the next 8 months??!!"
"Duh"
"Oh, right"
With my last two pregnancies I have felt some of the same feelings about having to trust God. I mean you are never really sure that everything is going to be ok until you have the little baby in your arms. No sonogram or doctor or midwife can guarantee everything will be fine no matter how many tests they run. (or don't run) I had learned a little about trusting God and having faith that God is good no matter what this life may bring me. But this was different, I mean bleeding is NOT normal and it wasn't stopping.
I continued to bleed for the next three weeks off and on. Then I went for almost a week with no bleeding, then wham, more blood. [still "old blood"] I can't tell you how frustrated I was every time it happened, and then how much I prayed and held on to the word that God gave me. Fear continued to plague me and at those times I would pray and quote scripture even more. It seemed like every time we went to church all the praise and worship was about trust. I mean EVERY SINGLE SONG! And of course I cried every time. There was one song that said something about no matter what happens God you are still good. And "Faithful God" still brings me to my knees. If you have a minute or two take a listen [the video is a little cheesy but just close your eyes :) ] Faithful God
At this point I am almost 19 weeks and I feel the baby kick and move on a regular basis. I haven't had any bleeding for about 4 weeks. But there are no guarantees. I still wonder if the baby is ok, why was I bleeding, what if it starts again. But I continue to believe that no matter what happens my God is good and I can trust him. I have heard many times that if you pray for patience then watch out because you will have some trials that you have a chance to "use" your patience. Well in the same way, how do you build your faith? I'm pretty sure I didn't pray for more faith, but the only way to have more faith is to be in situations where you have to use your faith. Right? Giving into the fear wasn't/isn't an option for me, so the only thing I can do is pray and trust in God. I'm believing and trusting that this little squirt will be 100% healthy and fine when he/she joins us mid-September. And until then I only have one choice, to continue to believe that my God is good and I can trust Him.
