Friday, January 11, 2013

The Holidays

I can't hardly believe it has been over a month since I last posted.  We have had a pretty busy month and then since the Holidays I just haven't felt much like posting.

In December we took Allison to the Great Wolf Lodge.  It was something she had been wanting to do for a long time and we wanted it to be a special treat/get away.  A time for us to spend with just her.  When Caleb was here she was probably the one who got the least amount of attention.  She was the only one who could walk and was potty trained too! I expected a lot out of her since the other two needed my care constantly.  I've decided to view it as a gift from both Caleb and God that I get to spend more time with my girls.  I get to do things with them that I never could when Caleb was here.   I didn't really have a choice in Caleb staying with us, so I'm trying to take the things I do have control over, like my attitude, and find the good.  So my girls get a better mom, one who can pay attention to them more and let them be kids.
Mommy and Daddy finishing Allison's Pillowcase

A Snowflake for Caleb
She slept on the top bunk!

She had a blast.  We were so blessed to be able to do this with her.  Even though I kept picturing Jason carrying Caleb around the water park.  I kept thinking about how Caleb would have loved to see all the kids running around.  I kept thinking how weird it was to only have 1 kid to watch.  (big shout out to my Mom who watched Jordyn for us)  I still find myself counting my kids.  When there were 3 of them and we were at a friends house or something that's how I would check on them.  1, 2, 3 ok all good.  And I catch myself still wanting to count 1, 2, oh yea.  And there will never be another number 3.  But it makes me so grateful for the 2 healthy girls that I do have.  So incredibly grateful.

At the Nutcracker, the night before Jason shaved

Jordyn with a friend

Finally riding the train at the mall

Jason had off work for a little over 2 weeks at Christmas and we did all sorts of fun things.  Some of it was for Allison, but I do have to admit I think a lot of it was for me.  We made a gingerbread house, paper chains, did a Jesse Tree, decorated, went and looked at lights, went to the aquarium.  I wanted it to be fun for Allison, but I probably wanted a distraction for me too.

We went to Granbury for 3 days at Christmas to be with Jason's family.  It was good but Christmas day I was pretty much a wreck.  I just wanted Caleb to be there.  We were there 2 years ago for Christmas and I hated that he wasn't there with us again.  My grief changed again and I just cried because I missed him.  Before it would be a memory or a picture, but I didn't have to think of anything specific anymore.  A wave of sorrow would just hit me.

Christmas Day seemed to be the hardest for me.  Once we got back home we had a few days then we went up to Texhoma for New Years.  It was good to get away from the business and relax some.  We got home, had a few play dates and then started work again this week.

This week has been pretty rough.  Like the worst week in a few months.  I have cried, and ached for my boy.  I have thought of his sweet hair, his amazing smile, his limp little body, (for the last couple of months he didn't have much control besides his head and arms). And as Jordyn continues to grow and learn I think of the things Caleb used to say or do that I loved so much.  I realized how smart he was.  I'm not sure if Jordyn is just stubborn or Caleb was ahead for his age, but he was saying so many words and had learned so much by this point. (compared to Jordyn)

I have been trying to find the right word for my wrist, I found it

We were blessed with some amazing gifts over the holidays.  Thank you to each and every one of you who donated money to us or Caleb's UMDF fund.  We are continually blown away by your generosity. Next week Jason and I will be taking a little trip for us.  Trying to re-group and re-center.  Thank you to everyone who is making this possible!
My Caleb tattoo, on the back of my arm

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