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But something else
that came with last week is I have started to remember lots of different things
about Caleb. He loved Oatmeal and strawberry jam toast. He loved
Boo! (a Qubo show for kids) He loved Butterfly kisses. Part of the
forgetting is because he didn't eat solids for about the last 3 months of his
life. He got his feeding tube in June and really only ate solids for a
few weeks more weeks and then just quit eating by mouth. Sometimes he
would take a bite of something here and there, but he was getting all he needed
through his tube and he didn't have to wear himself out eating or trying not to
choke. Part of my remembering is that Jordyn is now coming to the age
where Caleb kind of left off. She is eating pretty much anything and
physically is now passing what he was capable of. But as she starts to
talk I know more of the memories will come back. That is probably the
thing I have the hardest time remembering, is how he talked. Again for
the last few months of his life all he could say is, "yea" and
"no." And at the end he couldn't even say no. I could
watch his tongue and figure it out, but it wasn't audible. I don't
remember so many of the words he used to be able to say. I know he had
words for things like Elmo, or oatmeal, or dog, but I don't remember them. His
speech was really good until about 20 months. Then it started slipping,
and by 26 months he could only say a handful of words. I miss hearing him
say, "yea" it was the sweetest thing ever!
As time goes on and we are left to deal with our feelings
I'm still convinced that God has an amazing plan through all this. I have
said before, He never intended for us to feel separation and pain. He
created us to live forever. However, we messed it up. But what's so
amazing is that wasn't the end! He made a plan to give us eternal life
again, but that wasn't all. He created the grieving process. (and
I'm really glad!) We were so numb for that first week (at least). During the
funeral arrangements and the days that followed we didn't feel a whole lot, it
was all so unbelievable. The reality comes in little bits and is just
another picture of God's grace and mercy to me. There is no way I could
have handled the reality of my Child dying all at one time. I still can't
handle it! But God loves us so much that he created natural responses in our
body and mind to let us ease into the reality of our situation. I have
depended on God through every step of this journey and I'm not going to stop
now. He has been faithful every time and continues to be so. I
don't know what the next few months will hold, but I know that He is holding me
through it all.
Love,
1 comment:
I hate that you had the experience that causes you to write this, dear Jessica, but I love the way you are being transparent and are being used of Him to minister to and bless so many people! May Father give you more Strength!
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