As I have been talking and starting to process over these last few (very long) days, I have realized something. God is so faithful. He loves us more than we could ever imagine. He never wanted Caleb to suffer. I begged God to heal him. And while I know that God CAN, that was not Caleb's story. I don't blame God, we live in a fallen world and life isn't fair. But here is what has been so crystal clear from the very beginning; God went before us and took care of us every single step in this crazy journey we have been on with Caleb. I could tell you about time after time where God's provision and guidance were so evident. But the last step is what keeps going around in my mind.I knew Caleb had a condition called Leigh's Syndrome because of Mitochondrial Disease. I did my research and I read the facts that said that most kids who show signs of Leigh's in infancy don't live very long. But God was ever so gracious and put a screen over my eyes. See, I didn't know Caleb was going to leave us, I didn't really have a clue; until the day he died. That morning, the screen was lifted and I could see very clearly what was happening, and that my little bubba would be joining Jesus that day.
My Mom, Jason, His Mom, other friends or relatives, they all knew at different times that Caleb would be leaving us very soon. God told them each when he knew they needed to know. When he knew they could handle it. When he knew how much time each person needed to process what was going to happen. Jason knew not too long after Caleb was born that he would only be a temporary gift to us.
I am in awe of God's mercy on me. That he would help shield my eyes until I was ready to see. My job as a mother demanded my time and energy to take care of Caleb, Allison, and Jordyn. He knew I wouldn't be able to do that if I knew too soon. But here is the cool part. He did start to prepare me. I had many thoughts leading up to that day about a myriad of things concerning Caleb and his death and subsequent change in my life afterwards. I had conversations with people that were beginning to prepare me for what was about to happen. In my limited understanding I just figured that one day in the distant future these things would all come to pass and I would deal with them then. It was totally God's mercy on me. And when he knew I was ready, he lifted that screen and I saw.
The peace that Jason and I had as we were deciding to let our precious boy go was nothing short of an absolute gift. The peace that we have had about that decision since that day has been overwhelming. I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that we did the right thing. It doesn't make the pain of Caleb not being here any less. It doesn't make the tears stop flowing. It doesn't make the hole in my heart any less big. But it renews my faith in my loving Savior. I know that I can trust Him with everything I have because he is faithful. Every. Single. Time.
Love,
Jessica
9 comments:
This is breath-takingly beautiful. The faith your family is exemplifying is absolutely captivating, and I sit here in tears, praising Him for the strength you have chosen. Thank you for letting us all into your heart.....we are all forever changed by the beauty there.
I just read your post on WishGranted Facebook page. We just lost our 4 year old son to Mito on September 7th. Your story sounds so amazingly similar to ours, right down to knowing that "today is the day". I would love to talk to you when you feel up to it. My name is Melinda Edwards and I have a Facebook (Melinda Ritchey Edwards) or you can email me at medwards1975@gmail.com. I'm so sorry for your loss. The last 3 weeks have been a nightmare for us and I hate that you have to endure the same pain. I will be praying for strength and comfort for your family in the coming days.
You have such amazing faith and reading everything you have shared has brought me to tears. I pray for you and your family to continue to have the strength and faith in God to help you through this very difficult time. Thank you for sharing your story. I will remember your family and Caleb in our prayers.
Thank you so very, very much for sharing all of this. God's grace in your life is so evident, and it gives me hope in the midst of my own trials. Again, thank you.
What a handsome, precious little boy. Your faith encourages me in my walk with the Lord. I've lost my mother and father but not a child. I try very hard to keep in mind that my children are His, not mine. And, I try to always remind them that He loves them the most in case one of us has to leave them.
It's true... the Lord gives us what we need to know when He mercifully sees fit for us to know. Thanks for the reminder. Hugs from a sister in Christ.
This is an amazing testimony from a loving and caring mother! I am in awe of your faith. May God be always by your side and your family's during this trying time.
I have re-read Your stories over and over again but everything seems so unreal. I do not know what it is like to lose a child but your STRENGTH thorugh this all is wonderful.The tears will never stop flowing because they are not tears of sadness but tears of joy.May God continue to Bless your family.#woregreentoday
Jessica and Jason,
You have both been in my thoughts for days. I wish I had all the right things to say and I wish I could take your pain. My family will be donating some to Caleb's medical bills. I wish I could do more.
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