The second time I cried was a totally normal reason. (haha) We were meeting with our new small groups and we were supposed to tell how many kids we had. SIGH. I started crying after I said my name. But we were also supposed to say what we were hoping for God to do in our lives this year through the group. Lots of people had some good answers. Mine? Well the real reason I signed up for the group was because it was at the church. The previous group I had been going to was located at someone's house and with Caleb's feeding tube and increasing needs I didn't feel comfortable leaving the church. So MY plan was to be there for Caleb. But here's what I realized today. God knew what was going to happen on September 19. He knew that after that day I wouldn't have to take care of Caleb anymore. He has that taken care of now. So the way I see it, is that He has another plan for me and this group. And even though I don't know what it is, I have decided to stick around and find out. Even though I really want to go back to my old group (the one at the house) because I know everyone, and they know me. They know my story, they love me, I love them. How I wish God was into "being comfortable." Ok not really. I mean part of me does, but the other part knows that He is stretching me and helping me grow, and I want to know what He has up His sleeve.
People gave me lots of hugs today which was nice. I also got lots of, "How are you doing?" Um, I have no clue? I mean fine because I'm not in tears? Or fine because I'm not thinking about all the things I miss right this second? Please don't get me wrong, I know people are genuinely concerned and want to know how I'm doing, it's just a hard question to answer at this point. The fog is still really thick and each day is a moment by moment thing. I mean overall I would say we are doing pretty well. We are still so excited for Caleb and know he is having a blast up there! But we are struggling to remember him, struggling to not feel like we are moving on without him, struggling with the hole he has left in his absence. He really was the sweetest thing you could ever hope to meet. I used to love walking into his room to get him after he had been asleep. As soon as I would open the door I would start to talk to him and if he was upset he would calm down. If I was upset (because it was the fourth time I had been up in the middle of the night) one sound from him made it all ok. One look at him and my heart would melt and I would do whatever he needed me to. I do miss my little man so much. I miss his hugs, his smiles, even kissing his teeth because he couldn't close his lips. I miss asking him which Barney he wanted to watch, or trying to figure out which toy he wanted to play with. But I do believe this: Caleb does not miss this life. I believe that by us living and being happy we are honoring his memory. I will never, "move on" or "find a new normal." Not possible. But as a friend put it ever so wonderfully, "I am moving on with him in my heart." THAT I think I can do.
Much love to you all and thank you for loving us!
Jessica
4 comments:
Beautiful post. We don't know each other, actually i just joined T2 this year also and missed today. I just wanted to say your story is inspiring and your faithfulness in this time, amazing. I've buried a baby to, so while I don't know you, I hope that one day ill see you from across the room and you'll know it gets easier. Not better, it doesn't go away but you learn to live that faith or you get consumed. Just know you and your family are being covered in prayer by strangers and those that hope to be a kind heart when you need one from across the room.
I think you will tire, sometimes, of trying to be strong. Yes, people learn a lot from observing people's strengths. But, I am gaining wisdom from how you describe your weak moments. Please don't stop being raw and honest. And thank you for sharing Caleb's story.
I started a new job a few weeks ago. On my first day, one of my co-workers was explaining why our supervisor was late. He started to describe her family, number of kids, ages etc... and I started to feel the tears welling up in my eyes as I thought about how I would describe my family if asked. Fortunately, I live in a small town and most people here have either heard already or saw us in the paper when Tarok had just passed and quickly associate me with that as soon as I start to explain. Sometimes it's easier to talk about than others. Certain things hit me by surprise. I had to fight off tears several times when I went through a first aid course recently because the instructor kept bringing up sick/injured kids.
I struggle so much with the "How are you doing?" question. When Tarok was in hospital and took a turn for the worse, my Mom and I were asked that a lot and quickly realized, we were comfortably numb until we had to think about it and then we'd lose it trying to answer. That feeling stuck around for a bit....then as the numb set in, the answer became more like "I'm fine, right now, in this moment. I wasn't 20 minutes ago though and I might not be in an other 20, I guess we'll see." But I usually shortened that to "I'm fine."
Mostly though, I just don't feel like sharing my grief. I think it makes it hurt more sometimes. I talk about how I had a meltdown after the fact, but I don't want anyone around me when I'm actually losing it. It's good to know people are there to support me if and when I need them, but I'm glad to not have people constantly around me anymore like they were a few months ago.
Oh, BTW, you can pull out "THAT CARD" as much as you like right now. I actually value my total lack of a filter. It's honest and open. Losing a sibling is a major life event that anyone caring for or involved with your kids in any way should be aware of. It helps them to understand what's going on and know what kind of approach to take with things. It's not a card to play to get whatever you want, but it's an explanation of a relevant circumstance that should allow for some flexibility on certain things.
I am finding a new normal. It doesn't mean my life is absent Tarok. There's no denying he changed me and everyone else who loved him forever. I can't deny though, that my life is very very different without him here with me. Having had him in my life is continuing to greatly influence the direction my life will take. He came here, did what he was meant to do, and left, passing the torch on to all the people whose lives he touched.
Erin Donovan
You are a wonderful writer, and I don't think you could honor Caleb any more so than to be just that. I love to hear about the details of his character and so wish we could have known him better, as well as getting to know you. Thanks for sharing.
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