The Day After

Yesterday we said goodbye to Caleb's "old body" as my 4 year old calls it.  I LOVE that she came up with that and said it a bunch over the last few days.  I was so happy to be able to share my precious boy with so many who didn't have the opportunity to be around him like I did.  The stories shared and pictures shown  were just a glimpse into the life of Caleb.  But the theme was spot on, he was the sweetest, most joyful kid you could ever hope to meet, even until the end.

There are a few things happening behind the scenes that I hope to share with you all in just a few days.  The slideshow from the funeral, a tribute video, and lots of videos that I took when Caleb was alive.  As soon as I get the funeral video I'll post that too.  It was an honor for us to share him with everyone that was there and I can't wait for others to be able to experience his Spirit as well.

We are all still pretty numb, everything is so different without him around.  We cry in waves, but today was the first semi calm day we have had in over 9 days.  Jason began his "therapy" today by starting to put up the swing set that we have had in the garage for over 3 months.   We got it right before Caleb went in the hospital for his feeding tube (in June) and since that time we have been so busy. It was so hot here that even if he would have put it up Caleb wouldn't have been able to play on it.  Caleb got hot and sweaty sitting in his chair with a fan blowing on him, let alone outside in 100+ temperatures.  He couldn't regulate his body temperature and would overheat very easily.

Our minds are still in a fog.  We are all using the wrong words in sentences, and we have no idea what day it is.  Each day doesn't seem that long but trying to remember back to the previous day seems like an eternity ago. I'm thankful for the numbness and peace, although I know it won't last forever.  I know God has a plan for the grieving process too and I am so thankful.  He never intended us to experience death and loss, but since we made the choice to follow our own plans he came up with a plan B.  A plan that would help us walk through and deal with the pain.  I have no idea what comes next, but I'm open to the process and am trying to take it one day at a time.  Jason is an amazing partner and I am so thankful to have him beside me to walk through this with me.

We were just talking about how we both feel like we have already forgotten so much about Caleb, or even just being scared of forgetting things.  Jason said he read about people being scared of forgetting how someone smelled or felt and how weird it sounded, but now we are beginning to understand. It feels like we said goodbye and now we are moving on.  I know this is just a stage and in some ways I'm praying it passes quickly, but again, I think it's a cloud that God gives us to help us ease into what's about to come.  We will look at pictures and watch videos and talk about him all the time so as not to forget him.  Even Allison asked last night if we could talk about Caleb.  He is forever in our hearts and forever a part of our family.

Love,
Jessica