Waves of Sadness

 These last few days have been increasingly more difficult to manage.  Friday was Jason's first day back to work so that was when "real life" started again. Getting up and getting the girls ready for the day and making breakfast brought back lots of memories.  Looking at the plants and flowers made me think of Caleb even more.  I just keep thinking about how calm life now seems without Caleb.  Not that he made life hectic, not at all, but with 3 little ones so young, life was always really busy.  I was always having to think about how to get everything done and what needed to be done next.  Anytime we had to go somewhere it required lots of preparation and many trips to the car.  I don't know what to do when I only have to make 1 trip to the car or pack 1 small diaper bag.  This isn't normal for me, it's not a challenge anymore, it's easy.  I don't like it.

Jason has said a few times something he heard somewhere that is so true, Caleb being gone is not a wound, it's an amputation.  It's not something you heal from and just have a reminder scar, it's forever a piece of you missing, and you figure out how to exist and do the things you used to, but life is never the same.  Never.  There will always be that part missing.

Jason had a hard time working all day on Friday as well.  By the time he got home I could tell he had a really rough day and then when he was supposed to be taking a shower he was looking at pictures of Caleb.  We had a really good talk and here is what I am trying to do.  I am open to feeling the sadness and loss, but I don't think it is good to stay in it for long periods of time.  I think distraction can be a good thing, and as long as it's not something we are always seeking and doing, it can be healthy.  Everything in moderation, right?  That's my thought for today anyway.  It could totally change tomorrow and I'm ok with that.  I can't even begin to pretend to know what the future holds as far as our feelings and how we will deal with it all.  But I'm trying to follow peace and lean on God, what else is there to do?

Something else we talked about on Friday night was that we have begun to come to the realization of how much harder this is getting with every passing day.  What keeps hitting me is that I am moving farther away from hugging and holding Caleb.  Each day that passes the reality is setting in deeper.  Again, let me say, I am so happy for Caleb and his current state, but I am still so sad for us that are left here.  I know that we will one day be reunited, but here is what I have come to understand.  In the span of eternity, with each passing day I am getting closer to holding my Caleb once again.  And this life is but a moment when viewed through those eyes.  But the problem is I don't have those eyes yet.  In the perspective of my lifetime I am only getting further and further away from holding my Caleb.  Oh how that hurts.

But we got to hang out with our amazing neighbors for the rest of the night and like I said, I think we can only take so much emotion in 1 day, so the distraction was good.

We have been putting some things up in Caleb's bedroom, but other things are still laying around.  His toys are all still out for the most part, and now I almost don't want to move anything.  It's like if I don't move it I am still connected to him somehow.  But the garage was a mess and it needed some rearranging so I set out to do that on Saturday afternoon.  Most of his chairs had been moved out there since they take up so much room it just wasn't practical to keep them in the house.  So as I started moving things the tears started to flow.  Mostly when I was looking at his wheelchair that we just got a short time ago.  I could just picture his little body in it, and how much work it was to get him in a out of it and properly arranged.  How limp he was when I would pick him up, or how he would smile when he was in it at church.  I cried and cried.  I felt so hopeless and so full of grief.  But after a few minutes I remembered God's promises and felt His presence.  A peace came over me and I was still sad, but not hopeless.  I pictured Caleb up in heaven and knew that he was being taken care of.

We had the opportunity to go out that night, just Jason and I.  We got a chance to talk and reflect on our day and the feelings that had come up, and we even got to hang out with some old friends later on.  Again, it was a nice get away from the deep loss we are just beginning to understand.  I can't say right now that I am excited for what comes next, it feels like the wind has been taken out of my sails in some regard.  But I know that one promise still remains, that God will never leave me nor forsake me.  That if I keep looking to Him when things seem hopeless, He will restore my hope.  That when I am too weak to walk this road, if I ask Him, He will carry me.  So that's what I intend to do.

Love,
Jessica