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| Helping Daddy decorate the Tree last year |
Moving on is hard. Leaving my boy behind is harder. Life is going on, and he is not here with us. It sucks. A few weeks ago as I was choosing pictures to put in a blog post it hit me that the pictures I have of Caleb are all there will ever be. I can never take another picture of him. Over the last few weeks that has translated into, I will never make any new memories with Caleb. What I have is all there are. This thought is so huge and hard to understand. It doesn't make sense in my mind.
I heard someone say that when you have someone die, you live in the past a lot, but that's because that is all that is left of that person. The memories, because there is no future here on earth with them.
I got a new phone last week and I haven't had a chance to move my old pictures over yet. It's so heartbreaking that the only pictures are of my 2 girls. (I mean they are adorable and I love the pictures of them that I take but...) I have to go find all my "old" pictures of Caleb and bring them over to my new phone.
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| This was how he played most of the time |
Jason is about to start Christmas Light season and there are a handful of customers that only use the company for Christmas lights, so they don't know about Caleb's passing. Last year at this time we had just gotten a diagnosis and scheduled his muscle biopsy. Caleb was overall still doing really well. Learning new things, still crawling. And now he is gone. I'm not looking forward to this season. Last year was so busy, Jordyn was a newborn, we traveled to Arkansas for Thanksgiving and then Michigan and Illinois for Christmas. (driving if you can believe!) Caleb's surgery, most of it is a blur. But I do know that I had all of my Children here with me. And this year I will not. I'm not shopping for a little boy this year.
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| Last Christmas opening presents |
He was such a man's boy. He loved trains, cars, tools, putting things together. The girls haven't hardly touched most of his favorite toys, and they haven't moved since he has left. They are just girls and don't gravitate towards the same things. I hate saying goodbye to something else, all the boys toys that we have. Not that I'm ready to yet, but it is coming, and I hate it.
Please don't stop praying for us! This is when the real struggle and pain are starting to set in. I've been told the first year is really hard. Then it becomes a little bit more tolerable, but never normal. Our hearts have eternity set in them and this temporary world does not compute.
Thanks for your love,
2 comments:
You are in our prayers. And you are right about the hard times that come later. People are amazing and loving and so supportive right at first. But as time moves on they tend to forget that each holiday, family gathering or new goal reached with other children brings fresh wounds. The fragile scab gets ripped off and sometimes is more painful than the last. You will heal slowly and unevenly. You are doing a beautiful job and I often share your posted because the so clearly share the character of Christ. Please know you are loved and prayed for.
We often think about your family and I have shared Caleb's story with so many of my future nurse friends. After all I see them more than my own family sometimes. I hope you know you and Jason are never alone. We may not understand your pain, but we are always here if you need someone to lean on. My love to your whole family.
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