So Many Questions

How do I know if I am doing this right? There isn't a rubric for me to check off, there is no how to book, there aren't any directions.  Everyday day is different and I just feel like I'm doing it wrong.  I know that there isn't a wrong way to grieve, but it's all so confusing and hard to understand.  One day I'm at peace knowing Caleb is with God, completely free and whole.  Then next day I'm in tears and just want to hold him one more time.  One day I think I can move forward and start to move his things or donate a specific item.  The next day I'm paralyzed because if I leave everything just the way it is, then somehow I am still connected to him.  I still feel so numb in certain areas and don't know how to sort it all out.  For example, Caleb was getting in home therapy 3-4 times a week for the last few months,  (he had been getting PT for the last year and OT since last December so twice a week for 9 months) but I haven't hardly thought about it much since he has been gone.  (not that I haven't thought of the amazing therapists who treated him, I have missed having them in our home so dearly and I have such a special place for them in my heart) Our lives were dictated by Caleb's schedule and since he has been gone it's almost hard to remember what that schedule was.  Why is that?  I know there isn't a right answer for that question, but it troubles me.
I remember a few weeks before he died I had a meltdown late at night laying in bed with Jason.  He asked why I was being so mean, and it all spilled out.  I was so stressed out with everything I had to do during the day for Caleb, Jordyn, and Allison.  I never really got time for me during the day or night, and I was watching my child die.  (not that I really thought he was going to die, but I was so scared that he was dying, does that make any sense?) I cried and we talked.  I felt so much better, just to be heard and understood.

I remember just feeling like a failure on so many levels.  I didn't feel like I could give any of the children the attention they deserved.  Caleb was stuck in his highchair most of the day, I never really got to play with the girls much, especially Allison.  Jordyn was the squeaky wheel because of her age so she got the most attention by default.  I remember saying a few different times that I couldn't wait until Jordyn didn't require quite so much so that I could give more to Caleb.  I wanted to get him out of his chair and play, but since I was the only one at home that was really hard to do.  Inevitably there was always someone that needed to be fed, or wiped, or helped in such a way that I couldn't be Caleb's legs like Jason was.

He was so amazing with our son.  I loved watching them interact.  He would take him to the train table, or put him in Henry, (the kid walk wheelchair) or take him outside, or just carry him around.  I sometimes envied what Jason could do for him.  But I knew that no one else could do the job I had, and I knew that I was loving my son the best way I could.

But now, it's all just so unknown.  Am I crying enough? Do I feel enough? How much do I let myself feel? There are just so many questions and no answers to be had.  With each passing day I am more excited for Caleb.  He is in a place that my wildest dreams couldn't even begin to touch, doing the things I always dreamed for him.  But with each passing day I feel more lost without him.  My heart feels more empty, our family feels more incomplete.

I was talking to Jason last night and I came to this realization. That selfishly of course I wish he were back with me, but I wouldn't want him back in the same state he left us in.  I would want him back healthy, even though I almost don't remember what that looked like.  I guess it looks just like Jordyn is now.  Jordyn is growing and learning so much right now.  She is on the verge of walking, she actually stands up in the middle of the room all by herself and then sits down, she looks like a sumo wrestler standing there because of her stance.  I want Caleb to be here and experience all the things that are coming for our family.  The birthdays and holidays, the get togethers, the trips, the fair, the movies, all the things a family gets to do.  How do you let go of those dreams?

There are so many questions and just not any answers.  And so we go on. We take each day as it comes, feel what comes our way, and ask God for the grace, mercy, and wisdom to make it through.  I know my little warrior is up there having the time of his life.  Well, I guess the time of his next life? :) I know he has people following him around drawn to his amazing personality and smile.  He was the closest thing to an angel this side of heaven that I have ever met, and I just pray I do his memory justice.

I miss you more than words can say bubba.  You were my precious boy that I loved with all my heart.  I can't believe I won't see that sweet smile, or kiss those amazing cheeks for a very long time.  But buddy, when I do, you just wait! I might just never let you go again!

Love,
Jessica