I've never been paralyzed by fear before. But I had a fear today that did paralyze me, the fear that if I keep moving things and "putting them away" that soon there won't be anything else to put away. When I think of something I need to do, I usually add it to my list and when I have a productive day (or am close to a deadline) I will get it done. But in this case, I see things and purposefully leave them there, because if I move them, there isn't going to be anyone to move them again. His shirts will never need washing again, or his toys picked up. I miss him so much.Most days I go through the hours, going through the motions and doing what I must. The times that are the hardest are when I look through his pictures, or go into his room. I haven't watched all the videos of that last day. I just can't yet.
Part of me does want to just "take care of things." But if I do, it will only be because I'm trying not to feel. And that's not really where I want to be. I want to feel, I want to cry, I feel like if I don't I'm not honoring Caleb's memory. It hurts, and it's so hard, but I know it's the only way to keep moving forward.
So many things have demanded that my life fall back into a routine, mainly my two little girls. I'm so thankful for them, but it's easy to just go through the motions and escape through that.
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| Playing peek a boo |
I try not to think too much about the future, it's a future without my son and that thought is so depressing. It's ironic, that's how I thought about things when he was alive too. I didn't want to think too far ahead, it was too scary. Things haven't really changed. Except that I used to be able to hug him and kiss him and enjoy the time I did have with him.
Jason and I talk sometimes and we look at so many things in relation to when Caleb died. That was the last time we ate at such and such a restaurant before we went to the hospital, or that's the last time he went to church. It's not all the time, but these thoughts are so sobering. Not crippling, but so hard.
As the holidays are approaching I think back to last year at this time. What Caleb was for Halloween last year, where we traveled for Thanksgiving and Christmas, the clothes he wore, the toys he liked, the presents he received. I know it's all part of the process, but part of me wants to stay right here, not move on with the process. But part of me knows that as I keep moving forward, the pain will become more bearable, and I am also getting that much closer to seeing Caleb again.This whole crazy thing is just so not right. It's not how it was meant to be. I do find some strange comfort in that. That God's design was so much better than this.
Jason and I were talking the other day about when God had to go through a separation like this. The one that comes to mind first is when he sent his son to earth, and then Jesus' death. But I got thinking of the first time he felt separation. When Adam and Eve sinned. He lost the communion with them that He loved, they could no longer be in His presence like they previously had. So many things were destroyed. They didn't understand the far reaching effect of their sin, but God did. Their sin was why God had to send his son. So not only did he "lose" them, he was going to have to lose Jesus too. We were made in God's image, and while death and separation was not in His initial plan, I believe that He went through many of the things that we do during grief. I guess maybe I'll have to ask Him someday, but for now I choose to believe that He knows what I am going through. That He set in motion a plan to fix my pain, and if I choose to run to Him, He will comfort me until that time comes.
So between the tears, and the fears, the questions, and the pain, and even during it all, I will depend on His strength.
Much Love,
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