Sadness

The end of last week was a hard few days for me.  The weight of the implications of my son leaving this earth really started to hit me.  During the first week after the funeral I would be fine, then a wave would come and knock me down, then I would get up and be okay again for a while. Last Thursday and Friday I felt like I was going under, and every wave just pushed me further down.  Each wave caused me to hurt more, and I felt on the brink of tears the whole time.  I didn't want to be busy, I just wanted to be home, with my family.  I didn't want to be in big groups, I didn't want to chit chat.  I didn't want to make small talk or smile.  So I gave myself permission to be at home.  I gave myself permission to cry.  I gave myself permission to have a bad day. I know that this is all part of the process, and just because today might be a bad day, doesn't mean tomorrow has to be a bad day.  It doesn't mean that I will feel like this forever, but it is how I am feeling today and I don't have to deny that.
Jason and I went to lots of counseling early in our marriage and one of the first things we learned what that God created our emotions.  ALL of them.  Even the ones that we consider "bad" emotions, God created them.  He created anger, and sadness. The Bible even talks about Him feeling those emotions!  We also learned that emotions are there to tell us something.  Sometimes they tell us that we have believed a lie and need truth reflected back to us.  Or that we have made someone too important.  Here is what I am coming to accept; I love Caleb so very deeply, and the sadness of his absence helps me to remember that love.  It helps me realize that God never wanted us to be separate from those we love. (Including Him) My sorrow pushes me to remember that love.  It also poses the question: Is it better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all?  Hands down, without a thought, I am so incredibly blessed to have had Caleb on this earth for his two and half short years than not at all.  He taught me so many things and my life is different because of him.  I would do it all again, even if the outcome would be the same.

He was so proud of his new shoes!

Something we shared at the funeral was that right after Caleb's diagnosis we took him to get prayed over.  We received words that, "one day Caleb will tell his story."  We of course took that to mean that Caleb would be standing in front of people many years in the future telling people about what he has gone through.  But looking back, the word was not wrong, just incorrectly interpreted by us.  Caleb is still telling his story, it's just through other people.  People are reading this blog, they are seeing his pictures, they are hearing his story, Caleb is leaving a legacy.
When a friend was picking up the enlargements that were displayed at the viewing and service she pulled the photographs out to look at them.  (they were 16x20 so pretty large pictures) She said everyone in line commented about how cute he was, and how amazing his eyes were.  She started telling them all about him.  That he had died and about Mitochondrial Disease.  I was so excited! Caleb is telling his story!
Keep sharing and telling people about my little warrior.  More people need to know what Mitochondrial Disease is.  We need a cure! I need your help.  I am in the process of working with some incredible people to get a few things set up.  I'll share them with you as soon as they are ready.
Thank you all for your love, support, prayers, texts, FB messages, meals, donations, cards, we are so blessed and grateful.  This journey is so hard but you all have made it not so lonely.  Thank you.

Love,
Jessica